Breaking Open
Zoom call with Michael, September 2021 | Part the One
(Deep sigh)
I have to break open.
That’s what I have to do.
It’s like… there’s this build up… you know who the Collier brothers were?
M: No, dear.
They were —
M: No, don’t do backstory, I want to know what’s going on with you. So, please —
(laughs bitterly) Motherfucker… (deep breath)
I have to break open.
M: Meaning.
I don’t — know what it means, but I can’t verbalize it, because it’s a very, um, an internal reaction to a process that I’ve been going through… these have been really hard times for me (choking back tears)
M: I know
For — wait — one of the ways I’ve been deflecting the pain is immediately, every single time I state the obvious, which is that it’s been a really hard time for me, every single time, I’m always adding, ‘as I know it has been for everybody,’ so what I’m saying is, ‘see my pain here? It’s no better or worse than anyone else’s, it’s certainly not as good as anybody else’s pain,’ instead of saying ‘it’s been fucking rough, REALLY FUCKING ROUGH!’
M: Never mind about everybody else, what about you?
(sniffing tears back) What about me. I guess what I’d say, is… I’m going to have to repeat what I just said, it’s an internal thing, and I will report back to you after — you know, it’s sort of like when you’re in the middle of a process and somebody asks you, ‘what are you doing?’ and you stop to try to explain not even knowing what’s ahead? I am CHEERFULLY FEARLESS. (stomps)
(beat) You missed the foot stomp. I am CHEERFULLY FEARLESS (stomps)
M: I didn’t miss the foot stomp.
(a short, rueful laugh) And I’ll go through what I need to go through — Marty is like —
M: Wait! You just said, your original statement was, ‘I have to — ’
Break open.
M: Yeah. Let’s go there. (after the pause) Now, don’t recapitulate, don’t think back, get rid of all the caveats —
There’s just so much inside of me and… I’ve just been completely unwilling to push it out there. To step into that stomp. To step into that stomp. (stomps) Because the little baby, it’s one of the very first things a baby learns how to do, and I’m not even sure if it’s a learned thing, or if it’s just cellular, like, genetic, when they want something they just go, (baby voice) ‘Nyeh! When I want something, I just go boom!’ which is what I did about 2 minutes ago or, when you’re that age, you have no — you earn the stomp through gravitas… (laughing) what the fuck is coming out of me? Do you have any idea of the meaning of what I just said? You earn —
M: I’m trying to remember what gravitas means
Gravitas is a certain… respect that comes from maturity… like Donald Sutherland… you, Dr. Fuller, are chock full o’ gravitas! (laughs)
M: Back to you.
Okay, well I was just deflecting, excuse em wah!
M: Well, no I don’t want any of that.
I’ve gotta do a TED talk on crushing failure.
M: On crushing failure?
On crushing failure, because that’s… what I am. (deep sigh)
okay! Deflection time! Gotta reflect on the deflection, deflect the reflection… because the election has an erection!
M: [joins the rap, goes off the beat]
(claps iambs) See what I mean? This stuff I … (choking back tears, tries to speak, but then a small rueful laugh) it’s all good, and I know you know that. I know, actors would make — a lot of us actors would make really great therapists, we are therapists, directors are therapists, that is the most important job they have with their actors.
M: No, directors are parents, actors are children.
Well, yeah. And they’re cattle, according to Carole Lombard of course, who was making fun of Hitchcock, who made the —
M: NOW YOU’RE GOING FOR FUCKING DEFLECTION, I WANNA GET BACK TO — what’d you say — I gotta break, what?
Break open.
M: Well then, break it open.
Well, no…
M: Do it, do it right now, on the stage, baby! Break it open.
Alright, well then, if I were going to do that, it wouldn’t be — (winces audibly) see, it’s my heart.
Breaking Open: Part the deux coming soon
